I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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