I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
