I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
