September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
