You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
