You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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