I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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