the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
