your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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