i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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