Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
