im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
