hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
