how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
