I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
