did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
what day is it and did you see me today?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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