I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
