remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
