He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
