saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
