I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
