Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
