I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
