i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
