taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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