Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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