dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
