If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
