I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
