dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
