The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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