There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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