I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
did i walk over a car last night?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
