i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
