I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
