she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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