She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
As shirtless as possible
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
