I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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