you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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