My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
