I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
