I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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