there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize