"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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