The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
