I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
