Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
