a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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