At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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