My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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