A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
