Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How external is "for external use only"?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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