I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
