I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
