Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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