grandma shit on top of the toilet
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
