The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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