Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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